When Andre and I found out we were expecting our second child he was immediately happy; I was a bit more reserved. I am 5 years older than when I had JB, and our finances, to be frank, aren’t exactly in the best shape.
Still, I told a few close friends and family members and tried my best to be excited. Don’t get me wrong, I wanted our baby. I did, but I couldn’t shake this nagging feeling that something was wrong. When my friends and family congratulated me, I instantly regretted telling them I was pregnant. I also had terrible trouble sleeping. The anxiety was relentless. I worried all day every day and I couldn’t, try as I might, let it go and be happy.
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By contrast, when I was pregnant with JB I had not care or a worry in the world. I had moments of doubt, sure, but overall, I had a a great pregnancy. I knew he’d be a boy, I had his name picked out almost right away, and I began purchasing baby clothes a week after I found out I was pregnant. I just knew, without a doubt, that he would be perfectly healthy, and he was.
This time, with this baby, rather than feel excitement I felt ashamed. I didn’t even tell my parents I was expecting.
I thought to myself: Here I am, in my 30s, an I am so so far from where someone my age should be. I felt completely unworthy of carrying another child.
On my way to my 9-week appointment (my first appointment since finding out I was pregnant), I was on the phone with a good friend, and she asked me: “Are you happy?” to which I replied, “Not really.” And I wasn’t.
The first 15 minutes of my first prenatal appointment was spent discussing ways to deal with the terrible headaches from which I had been suffering and managing my anxiety. When the clinician geared up for the ultrasound, however, I began to feel a little bit of excitement. I told myself to relax, as I looked anxiously at the doppler ultrasound machine. I was going to hear my baby’s heartbeat for the first time!
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Only something was wrong.
“Are you certain of your dates?” My clinician asked, the look on her face already telling me everything I needed to know.
“I mean, I think so. I’m pretty sure”
She then asked me to stay to complete a full ultrasound with the ultrasound tech. After which she informed me that my baby didn’t have a heartbeat, and was measuring only 6 weeks. She then went on to tell me that I had what’s called a “miss miscarry,” and that I could take a pill to force my body to recognize the miscarriage, wait to miscarry naturally, or have a surgical procedure known as a D&E to flush out the fetus.
I heard the words coming out of her mouth. I saw her physically hand me tissues because I was a snot-nosed crying mess, but I couldn’t really process it all. I just wanted to get out of there.
But it doesn’t end there.
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A few hours after I got home, I received another call from a nurse. She told me it would take another week and another ultrasound before they could really determine if I was miscarrying or if I was just earlier than I had suspected. The minute I got off the phone I began to google countless success stories of women who had been told they were miscarrying, only to discover the baby was too small to detect a heartbeat, and that they had simply been wrong about the date of their last menstrual cycle. Most of these women had gone on to deliver healthy babies. I was ecstatic. I had hope. I was certain my baby was still growing. I still had pregnancy symptoms. I wasn’t bleeding or cramping. Of course I had just been off with my dates.
The nurse told me not to get my hopes up, and that my chances were slim to none, but what did she know?
For the next week, I tried, as best I could, to carry on. I blogged a bit, but between the anxiety and the headaches, I couldn’t do much but lie in bed.
My 10-week appointment arrived, another ultrasound was performed, and my miscarriage was confirmed. My baby had stopped growing 4 weeks ago, and I didn’t know it.
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I opted for the D&E. I couldn’t stomach the idea of waiting what could be another month or two before eventually having to flush my baby down the toilet. My doctor and nurses were wonderful, and the procedure went through without a hitch.
It’s now been a few days since my procedure and I’m up and around almost as though nothing had ever happened. The doctor says we should be good to start trying again in a month or so, but I’m not sure that we will.
I had always imaged that I would be a mom of 3 and that I’d have achieved some degree of success or stability in my life by my age, and none of that is happening for me. I’m currently working on letting go of how I imagined my life would be and accepting it as it is. I feel a bit as sea. I’m not quite sure of anything anymore and I’m strangely okay with that fact. I won’t go so far as to blame myself for what happened, as studies show that the 6-week miscarry mark is pretty common and it’s usually as a result of chromosomal abnormalities, but I do know that If I ever get pregnant again, no matter my circumstances, I will embrace the honor it is carry a new life.
I also want to be clear: I am not writing this post to sensationalize miscarriage or score pity-points, I’m sharing my story because I know so many other women carry guilt and shame about their own miscarriages. I can’t offer much comfort, but I can attest to the fact that life does go on, you aren’t alone, and you’ll get through it.
Hey, Boo! My name is Lisa and you’ve stumbled upon my own little corner of the world. I’m a 30 something-year-old writer/mother/wife who happens to love lipstick, high heels, blackness, and the truth. You’ll find a mix of everything on this site, so I won’t bore you by trying to define this space. I hope you stay awhile!
I’m so sorry you had to go through this. Thank you for sharing your story. I hope it helps other women going through similar situations. Sending love and hugs.
Thank you, Kara.
Thanks for sharing and I want you to know I am not feeling pity or want you to feel that from me. I can definitely see you are a strong woman and regardless of your where you are at 30 years of age I think that you are more than likely where God intended you to be at this time, probably saving someone’s life by sharing your journey so thank you.
Thank you Nichelle!
Thank you so much for this sharing.
I also had a misscariage last month and I am glad to read somebody who doesn’t live it as a taboo.
I am not sure that I am emotionally healed from it yet …
Thank you.
I’m not healed, either. But each day gets better. hang in there!
Thank you for your story, I also had a miscarriage back in 2003. I had trouble sleeping due to cramping & was telling myself thru out the night that I was going to the hospital the next morning, when I woke, I went to the bathroom & sadly delivered my baby. After arriving at the hospital, I was supposed to be 16wks only to find out my baby had passed 2or 3weeks before. Still to this day I celebrate (her) birthday, I say a girl because I truly believe that was my girl, I have 5 boys to date & believe it just wasn’t her time, it never gets easier but manageable. Again thank you for your story because of you I don’t feel alone, this is the first time I’ve spoken about my baby girl in quite a while, I don’t never want to come off as needed sympathy.
Sorry for your loss…
Thank you!
I had just the same story 2 months ago with my first baby?Heartbroken?
I am so sorry! I still have moments of sadness as well. I was just thinking the other day: I’ll never meet my baby. Sigh…
So sorry love! I will say I’ve never miscarried however, I’ve never had the desire to get pregnant again! Like EVER! I feel guilty, but I don’t want to be pregnant ever again. I say this to show you that shit don’t always go as planned. You’re talking to “supposed mom of 2”.
yup, life definitely hasn’t gone according to plan. I would love to be pregnant again. On that, i am certain. I had an amazing pregnancy with JB
Thanks for sharing Lisa! I’m sorry for your loss. I have a fb group for black women who have experienced miscarriage and pregnancy loss called Sisters in loss and I host a podcast that you maybe interested in listening to called the Erica M. McAfee Podcast bit.ly/emmpodcast. So many women suffer in silence and I’m grateful you shared your story to let others know they are not alone. God bless you!
Thanks, Erica! I will join your group and check out your podcast.
I’m so sorry that you had to go through this, Lisa. Sending you hugs!
Thanks, boo!! I appreciate you!
You are so brave! Sharing your story I hope brings you some closure and I appreciate you for doing this.
I really admire the clarity in which you describe the situation and your feelings.
Thank you!
I’m so sorry for your loss. I really admire your strength in sharing your story. Prayers for continued growth and success for 2018!
So sorry for your loss. You are so brave to share what many women and couples struggle through alone. On the “success” side, I feel like we feel an extra burden of inadequacy because of what we’re “expected” to be….but only you can define you! Many blessings to you and your family’s health and well being.
You’re very strong. Continue to be positive and hopeful.
I had went through a similar experience. Went for my first ultrasound at 12 weeks and was told my baby died at 9 weeks. Most tramatic experience I’ve ever been through.
Currently in the hospital waiting for my D&C. Same story. Missed at 6 weeks with no heartbeat. Thank you for sharing. I will take this as confirmation that everything will work out fine.
This is such a touching story. I was saddened by the news.You are such a brave lady. I will be praying for you and your family. Continue being strong and thank you for sharing with us. You are an inspiration.God bless
Lisa,
Thank you so much for sharing your story. You are such a brave woman.
WOW! I had no idea Lisa. I’m very sorry this happened. So sorry for your loss.
thanks, sis! You been bust being happy, working, and in love!! I’m happy for you!!