We’re a few days post the latest Ciara drag, and I wanted to weigh in on the controversy. If you haven’t heard, here’s what happened:
Ciara reposted the following video with the hashtag: #LEVELUP
— Ciara (@ciara) January 20, 2018
In the video, the pastor affirms:
“Too many women want to be married, but you’re walking in the spirit of a girlfriend…Ask the lord to deliver you from that spirit, and carry yourself like you are already taken. And I promise you when you carry yourself like a wife, a husband will find you.”
And y’all, social media outrage was almost immediate:
— AvantGawd (@RosemarysDiary) January 21, 2018
Patriarchy got a lot of us outchea feeling inadequate, deficient, and insecure. Be careful of dangerous theologies rooted in misogyny. #LevelUp on that!
— Treva Lindsey (@divafeminist) January 21, 2018
Y’all females acting like it’s nothing more to life than marriage. Y’all out here worried about getting that “Mrs.” #LevelUp from that sweetie, you should put that much effort into becoming a “Dr.” come, get on the right road with me. It’s enough wife’s out here pic.twitter.com/c6emMhmMnf
— Gail the Gossip (@annalacouchana) January 21, 2018
Of course, there were tweets from both men and women who feel that Ciara was perfectly on target with her remark and take no issue with the idea of “leveling up.” Y’all can go out and find those tweets for yourself cuz I’m not trying to spread that foolery here.
Here’s the problem with Ciara’s tweet:
Ciara co-signed on a message instructing women to turn themselves inside and out to be acceptable to a man. Meanwhile, there was no message instructing men on how they should comport themselves to be worthy of partnership with a woman. Why does the onus always fall on women to do some extra shit to “land a man,” meanwhile men can run around being hoes all day, every day, without a single rebuke?
We have got to stop spreading the message that a woman is only complete if she has landed a man. I am happy for Ciara. Future was a f*ckboy who had no business being anybody’s husband, and by the grace of God their engagement came to an end. She now has Russel, who, by all appearances is her dream come true. God bless. Kudos to the both of them. Ciara’s message, however, should be about self-improvement for the sake of self-improvement, and not the holier-than-thou, misogyny-laced tweet she issued above.
Let me give you an example:
One of my mentees mentioned that she’s looking for a new man. She’s in her early 20s, and, like Ciara pre-Russel, she is a single mom. My mentee is in a place of transition after recently relocating to her home town. She’s looking for a job, while also submitting grad school applications, and mothering her one-year old son. She’s got a lot on her plate, and would be ripe for a f*ckboy. Given where she is, she’d attract a dude who will tell her any and everything she wants to hear, and she’d eat it up, too. Who doesn’t want to hear nice things when you’re changing diapers all day, looking for a job, and trying to navigate getting back into school after a hiatus?
When you aren’t right with yourself, you’ll damn near take any and everybody with a full set of teeth. Not being able to attract the right kind of partner in life is not exclusive to women. Both men and women must first be completely assured of their self worth before seeking to attract the right partner. If you can’t look in the mirror and say, “I’m the shit. I bring a lot to the table and anybody would be lucky to have me by their side,” you aren’t ready for a relationship. And the reason is simple. It’s because what you’re looking for is somebody to make you feel better about yourself, and when your confidence game ain’t shit, you attract ain’t shit people. You attract people who will tell you sweet nothings, and leave you high and dry in the emotional needs department.
And as my readers are mostly women, I guess I am speaking to women, but this advice is universal. I have been there and done that. And Ciara has, too, which, I guess is what she was trying to get across. Here’s the response she issued after folks dragged her tweet:
Listen, instead of posting a video for women from a man, she should have provided some actionable steps she took to make her life happier. “Aha moments” don’t just happen. At least not for me. There are things that happen leading up to that moment that allow you to actually see the “aha moment” when it’s in front of you. Ciara didn’t level up over night. She didn’t just wake up after years of low self-esteem to newfound confidence. Tell us how you got there, Ciara. Don’t act brand new. Save the preaching for the preachers, and tell us what’s really good.